Jesus Paid it all, All to Him I Owe

Since my mom died, there have been quite a few times when people have said things that really hurt me. I do understand that people might not know what to say, and are just trying to help, but a lot of times it just makes me feel worse. I just thought I'd list them here so you all can know what is helpful and what is not. :)

"Do you still miss your mom?"- Of course I still miss my mom, and I always will! I pray that over time it won't be as intense and difficult as it is now, but I will ALWAYS miss her. Saying something like, "I know you miss her, and I'll be praying for you" would be better. Please don't ask me if I still miss her. The answer will always be yes. Always.

"I bet you have to be more like the mom now"- ummmm. nope. I am not the mom. Have I had to step up and do more things that a parent usually does? Yes, I have, and that's ok.

"You need to just trust in God".- Yes, I know that. I think it's good to be reminded of that, but it's hard when I'm just sad and that's what people tell me. I know I need to place my trust in God, and I know He is good. Sometimes when people say those things, it almost makes it sound like it is sinful to grieve. It can be very confusing to be told that "it's good to grieve and cry and miss her" and then when I do, I'm told that I'm not trusting God.

"Make sure you are not being selfish and thinking of yourself more than your mom." -Sometimes I want my mom back (well, all the time actually). I want my life back the way it was. BUT I really don't think that's being selfish. In fact, if I could bring her back from heaven to live here, I wouldn't do it. My mom is in HEAVEN. There is no more pain or suffering! To take her from that would be selfish (Not that I could bring her back anyway...I was just using that as an example). Yeah sometimes I wish things were different, but I don't think it's selfish to miss her and want her back.

"Things change. You need to move on"- I get that things change. Some people need more time than others to "move on". I am one that needs more time.

Another thing that doesn't necessarily upset me, but it's still kind of hard to hear, is when people tell me that they "know how I feel". I'm sorry, but unless you have lost a parent or someone very close to you, you don't know how I feel.

I've also gotten a couple of comments about Jennifer being my "new mom". She is NOT my mom. I truly hope that I can have a special relationship with her as a FRIEND, but she will NEVER be my mom.

Also, there are VERY few people who talk about my mom. Although it is hard and it might make me cry, I love to hear what other people remember about her.

I hope this helps some. I wrote that not only for people who talk to me, but for anyone else in a situation like me. If anyone reading this has said any of those things, please don't worry about it. I probably don't even remember that you did. :)

Feel free to share this with anyone you want. I hope this will be helpful to other people too.

For the past couple of days I have had a really, REALLY hard time. I'm so tired of being sad. There are so many random, stupid things that remind me of my mom. While I want to remember her, right now being reminded of her just makes me miss her more, especially when I'm alone and have no one to talk to.

Last week I had the privilege of going to the beach with my friends. While I did have a really fun time, I'm pretty sure I was thinking and missing my mom every second from the time I woke up, to the time I went to sleep. I longed to have her there with me. I miss her. I came home ready to tell her all about my trip. Too bad she wasn't there. Do you have any idea how heartbreaking it is when that happens?

I miss having her here when I need a friend. I have always struggled with making and keeping friends. Always. Up until my mom died, she helped me so very much with both. In fact, I'm pretty sure she introduced me to most, if not all of the friends I had. She encouraged me to go to my friends and talk to them if they had hurt me, or apologize if I hurt them. Actually she usually went with me to do that as well.

I miss her lovingly making fun of me for something stupid that I got upset about, or something that I said that was stupid. While she joked around with me, she was careful not to go too far, and was very compassionate when she needed to be.

I miss her tucking me in at night (yes, even though I'm 16). She did it every night that she could. When she was too sick to come in, she would let me sit with her. We would talk about everything, and the "plan for tomorrow". I've always been one that needs to know what's going on, or I get really stressed. If she was out late and I was already in the bed asleep, she still came in to tell us goodnight. I don't know if she new it, but I usually woke up when she came in. She would whisper, "Goodnight Mags, I love you." Yep, she did that every time we missed our special "chat time".

She also woke us up almost every morning. Sometimes she would come in and do it peacefully, and other times she burst through the door and sing really loudly that super annoying wake up song. I hated that one then, but I would give anything to hear it again now. It was way better than my stupid alarm clock.

As usual, I just wrote way more than I was planning on writing. Thanks to anyone who read the whole thing. I would very much appreciate your prayers. It doesn't seem like this will ever get easier.

Well, tomorrow marks two years that my mom has been in the best place ever. Two years and two days since the last time I saw her. That's a long time for someone who could hardly stand to be away from her for a week! I can't keep from crying as I write this. In one way it seems like she's been gone forever, and in another way it seems like it was just yesterday. It's still hard to believe that she's gone sometimes. Isn't this all just a bad dream or something? Apparently not... Sometimes I feel like if I cry hard enough it will all just go away, and everything will be back to the way it was before.

After my mom was diagnosed with cancer, my mom became so much more fun than she already was. She was always fun to be around, but it wasn't until then that she started to joke around more. She NEVER complained about feeling sick, until she literally couldn't do anything. She was always so happy. She even made shaving her head a joke, even though I know she was sad. I remember one time after she had lost all of her hair, that she wanted me to feel her head. I didn't want to, so she ended up tackling me and we both ended up on the floor, laughing.

I remember so vividly everything that happened leading up to her death. The night we found out she wasn't going to make it was the same night that our friends, the Emersons were coming to visit. Camille and I ended up spending the night at the Gansters with them, and we spend the next day there too. All I wanted was to either go and be with my mom, or go home and be by myself. Everyone made my mom a big "Welcome Home" sign for when we thought she was going to come home from the hospital. Well, she didn't ever see it. She didn't come home to us, but she went to her home in Heaven. That's ok. I'm sure living in heaven is WAY better than living here anyway. :)

One or two days later I went to see my mom for the first time since she had been in the hospital. Even though she was in and out of sleep, she was still there. She was still the mom that I knew. She wanted me to hold her hand the whole time. I didn't mind. It was all I could do to keep from crying. I didn't want her to know that I was sad. I didn't want her to be sad for me, because I know she would have been. That day was the last time I heard her say she loved me.

The next time I went she wasn't really there anymore. She wasn't awake at all, until she was in so much pain that everyone had to leave the room. We all went left the room until they could get her under control, and in just a couple of minutes someone came and said she wanted to see me. When I went in she got really upset because we weren't matching. I hugged her tight and didn't let go, and I kept telling her over and over that I loved her. It was so overwhelming.

The last time I went to see her was, by far, the hardest. Earlier that day I really felt like I NEEDED to go see her (I think I've mentioned this before, but I hated going there. It was so hard.). So I went to see her, and I was crying the whole time. Nothing she said made sense. My dad kept telling me that it wasn't her, it was the cancer. She said some pretty hurtful things to me, and I want so much to forget them. I just kept telling her that I loved her. What else could I do? After a while (probably just a couple of minutes) we were sitting in the family room of the hospital with my dad, Mr. Hollis, and Mr. Butler, and they were singing the Gospel Song. My mom loved that song.

On Friday morning, June 1st, 2007, I came downstairs to see my dad and my grandma at home. I knew then that she had gone to be with the Lord. I guess because I was in denial or something, I asked my dad who was with my mom. He just shook his head. I didn't understand why no one was crying, and they actually almost happy. Within 15 minutes, our house was full of people, and we were all sitting in the living room telling funny/sweet stories about my mom. After that is a blur, and I have no idea what happened.

In my heart I know that God has a plan for me. I don't understand why He chose to take my mom home so early, but I know that He knows what is best. As I look back on the past 2 years, I realize how much closer I've gotten to the Lord. I have come to realize that I need him more than I need my mom. For that I am thankful.

I want to make my mom proud. I want to be like her when I grow up. I looked up to her more than anyone else in the world. I could go on and on about her, but I doubt anyone is even reading anymore. :)

Happy 2 years Mommy. I'm so glad you will never be sick again. You will never feel pain or be sad again. I love you so much and I wish you were here. You are the best.

I miss my mom (how many times have I started a note/blog post like that?). So much has changed, and it is so hard without her. I'm not really one to handle much change that well. I try to think of what she would say to me if she were here right now. It would probably be something like, "put your trust in the Lord. He will get you through this. It will be ok".

I have had such a hard time for the past couple of weeks. Since my dad got married, I have been reminded of my mom more than ever. It's great to be reminded of her, but it just makes me miss her more right now. I was so very close to her, and I miss her so much. I wish there was a way to describe how much it hurts, but there just isn't.

Since my dad got married, my little sisters have grown very close with Jennifer. They practically never leave her side. At first I didn't really mind, but it's getting really hard to see. I wish it was my mom. While it's hard to watch, I am also SO thankful that they are not feeling what I'm feeling. It would break if they felt the way I do.

Two years ago, to this very day, I learned that my mom was going to die. She lost consciousness and fell in the shower (praise the Lord, I was not home at the time). They had to call 911, and she went to the hospital, where she lived the remainder of her life. The cancer cells had spread to her spinal fluid (I think?) and brain. After that day, I think I saw her three times before she died. We all thought she was going to come home before she died so we made her a "welcome home" sign for her to see. While she never came back to her earthly home, just a few days later, she was welcomed into her eternal home.

One good thing that I feel has come out of this, is my relationship with God. So many times I am so upset, that there is nothing anyone can do or say to make me feel better. The only thing I can do is to turn to Him. For the past 3 weeks especially, I have come to realize that.

I miss her so much.

I. HATE. CANCER.

First of all, I fail at blogging. I keep saying I'm going to try to post once a week, and I have yet to do that. Oops. Part of the reason is probably because I spend like 20 minutes every time I write something deciding on whether or not I should post it because I read over it and I feel like it's really stupid...oh well.

Anyway, things are going ok I guess. Everything is falling into place for the wedding, as far as I know. We went to Jennifer's wedding shower today. That was fun. There's nothing like sitting in a chair watching people talk for 2 hours. Just kidding. :) I guess it wasn't that bad. I can't remember if I said all this in my last post (and I'm too lazy to check right now), but my sisters and I are all in the wedding and our dresses are "kiwi green". Chandler is the best man, I'm the maid of honor, and my sisters are bridesmaids.

Ok, so I made this blog as a journal for myself, and so others can see more of my life than what I say out loud. It's a lot harder for me to talk about my feelings in person, than in writing. I also want to be able to look back on this and read this to see how I've changed over time. So I'm going to be completely honest. I have had the worst week emotionally, since my mom died. It was horrible. I cried myself to sleep literally every night this week except one. I think this whole wedding thing is just starting to hit me really hard. I can't believe it is happening. My dad and Jennifer are re-decorating...my parent's bedroom. It doesn't seem like a really big deal, but it is to me. I still find myself saying "my parent's" or "my mom and dad's", but now it's my dad and Jennifer's. Wow.

I am so happy for both my dad AND Jennifer. I really am. I'm excited to see my dad happy again. But guess what! It's still super hard for me to see. I just want my mom. My dad is going to be married to someone OTHER THAN MY MOM. I know that Jennifer is not trying to replace her, but I can't help but think she is. I am trying so very hard to love her and everything, but I just can't stand it. I feel like loving her would be betraying my mom. It's the weirdest feeling. It's like my head and my heart are telling me two different things. The thing is, my mom WANTED this for my dad, and I know that she would want me to love Jennifer. Kind of a tough situation.

I have learned that I handle grief a lot differently than other people. I am not ready to "move on". I still VERY much miss my mom. From what I have experienced, I think people think 2 years is a really long time, and I shouldn't be this sad anymore. Two years is not a long time. It is still hard, and I'm still learning how to live without her.

This has gotten really long, so I don't know if anyone is still reading, but I have one more thought. I've been thinking about making my blog public again. Call me crazy. I've been thinking lately about how much I would appreciate reading about someone like me, so maybe there are people out there that may find it encouraging to know that they are not alone? I can't decide though, because I don't know exactly how much of what I write should be for just me and people I know. Please let me know what you think.

I hope everything makes sense. I don't feel like reading over it right now. :) My goal was to be in bed at 10:30, and it is now 12:06. Oops (again).

I have been thinking about my mom a lot lately. I'm not sure why, but in the past couple of days lots of random things have been reminding me about her, and what I did with her.

We drove past Olive Garden the other night, and I instantly remembered the one and only time I went there with her. It was just the two of us. We didn't get to go out alone very often, so it was such a special time for me.

Another time I think of her is any time I see or hear about a girl laughing and having a fun time with her mom. Times like that I feel so incredibly sad, but at the same time, I'm SO thankful that they have that time together.

Something else that reminds me of her, is certain TV shows. Lots of afternoons at 4:00 we watched Oprah. She loved Oprah! We also watched NUMB3RS together a lot. She also loved those crime/investigation shows. I haven't watched either of those since the last time I watched them with her. I especially loved those nights when I couldn't sleep so she let me watch with her if I could make it out of my room without waking my sister. :)

Today I didn't have school and I was bored, so I sat down and did a puzzle for the first time in a really long time. I didn't even think about it when I started, but I used to sit with my mom for hours doing puzzles.

For most of my life, I have struggled with friendships. When I look back on that, I am thankful, because that meant more time with my mom. It was more of a trial at the time, but now I think I see why God allowed me to struggle so much. It gave me more time with my mom. I miss her SOOO very much though!

I can't stop the tears as I write this, but they are not just tears of sadness. Sure, a lot of them are, but some of them are because she is with our Savior. She has NO more pain or sadness! I am so happy because it was so so hard to see her in pain when she had cancer.

So those are just some of my random thoughts of the day.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid of terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

So I am just going to say this right out. My dad is engaged. He is getting married in April. As hard as it is for me, I am so happy for my dad. I haven't seen him this excited in a long time.

Jennifer really is a great person. I can tell she really cares about us and she is not trying to replace my mom in any way.

The hard part is, I feel like a lot of people think I should be completely okay with her marrying my dad. Don't get me wrong, I accept it and I support my dad all the way, but it is still hard. It is the thought of my dad being married to someone other than my mom, and the fact that she will be doing everything that my mom did. I get so confused, because I don't really know how to react. To what point is it okay for me to be upset? Some people tell me it is okay to be upset, and I will probably learn to love her in time, and others say that I need to just accept it and move on. At least that's what I get out of some conversation. They could mean something different, but that is the way it comes across.

I am really praying that God will change my heart about her. This is so confusing, because I REALLY want to like her and be her friend, but at the same time I don't. I guess it is more that I don't want to accept that my mom died and someone else will be living with us.

So, I don't know if any of that makes sense, but I am too tired and not thinking clearly enough to edit and fix it. :) I would really appreciate your prayers.

Also, if you all could be praying for my friend, that would be great. She is going through a very difficult time right now.

...That's me! I haven't updated this blog in over a month. I had changed the background just before my last post I think and when I logged on tonight I was surprised because I forgot I had changed it!

Wow, I have so much to say I don't even know where to start.

Christmas-This Christmas was one of the hardest Christmas' of my life. I'm not sure why it was harder than last year, but it was. We started off at home and then went to the Hollis' for dinner.

New Year- New Years Eve was pretty uneventful. I went with the Hollis' to a family's house from church. Then I went back to the Hollis' until midnight. I slept for about 2 hours that night because I had to finish packing for my trip to VA on New Years day.

Virgina- I had an amazing time in Virginia. We babysat Anna Emerson's niece, and mostly just hung out. On the day I left I got to meet a new friend from Chesapeake. Rebekah H. and I have been emailing each other for just over a year and I finally got to meet her!

School- School is going okay so far this semester. I started speech and debate in January and I'm having a hard time with that. I'm not a huge fan of standing in front of a big group of people to talk. I will, by God's grace, get through this too. :) After all, I guess it hasn't been TOO bad since I only have to speak about once a week. I also have a couple friends! I have learned that I just need to talk to people, whether they talk to me or not. It's getting better and I don't have to be the only one to initiate the conversation as much anymore.

A couple of weeks ago I had an opportunity to have some time with JUST my little sister Bridgette. We had such a fun time together. I did her hair and we watched TV together. We also played Pickup Sticks. You would never guess how much joy that frustrating little game can be! It brought squeals of delight from both Gidge and I!

The next night Bridgette and I were accompanied by Annie. We had a rare "pancake picnic in front of the TV". It was so much fun to be able to hang out without any arguing at all.

This past weekend Camille, Abby, and Elle convinced me to sleep in the tent...in the WOODS, OUTSIDE. We tried on Friday night, and it wasn't very cold, but about halfway through the night it started to rain, so we went in. Well, we wanted to make it all night long, so we tried again on Saturday. IT. WAS. MISERABLE. It was SO cold. WAY colder than it was on Friday night. Oh, I will never do it again. I was laying on probably two or three roots and a few holes, and now I am so sore! My neck and back hurt so much! Never again.

On a totally different note, I need to ask for prayer. I can't go into detail yet, but I am about to face yet another change. I do not like what is happening, but I am trying to accept it. I know that God has a perfect plan for me, but it is very hard to see that right now. I'm just ready for everything to stay just the way it is. A friend encouraged me with two verses this week and I found them so helpful. Philippians 4:6-7 says; "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus", and Isaiah 26:3-4; "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal. I am going to try to update very soon with more details...possibly later this week or early next week.

Wow, where do I start? It's been a while since I last posted on this thing.

I'll start at Thanksgiving. First we went to my dad's friend's family's house (got that?). After that we went to Greenville, SC, to my grandparents. My dads friend and Chandlers friend came too. My aunt's boyfriend was also there. It was really hard because it was so different. In the past it has been strictly family at my grandparents' house.

The day after Thanksgiving, Chandler, Will, and I drove up to North Carolina to visit some friends. It was so nice to get away and see people that we had not seen in a really long time.

I have been SO incredibly busy over the past couple of weeks with lots of school. Last week was especially hard. I had more school than ever (probably more than I have ever had at one time in my life) and on top of that I have really been missing my mom. I honestly didn't think I would get it done. I did, but only by the grace of God. My last day of school before Christmas break is TOMORROW! I cannot wait!

Speaking of school...I'm making some friends!!! What an answer to prayer that is! I no longer sit in study hall feeling like I am by myself, and I don't sit in carpool alone either! I don't dread going to school anymore! God is so good!

I think we will be home for Christmas but after Christmas I am going to Virginia! I am so excited! I am hopefully going to be in Chesapeak (sp?) to see a friend that I haven't actually met yet, and then I'm going to Richmond to visit my other friends. I am SO excited!!! It will be very nice to have a vacation!

That's all for now...hopefully I'll post more than I have been. :)